| |
Copyright |
|
 |
 |
|
| |
| |
|
©2005 Jason Cross
All Rights Reserved
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Tuesday, December 10, 2002 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
| |
|
Ok, so this is a bit of an oldie for some of you, but I figure the other two of you readers might be unfamiliar with and appreciate Benn's "The Pocket Pak Experience" entry from last fall...
The "Pocket Paks" Experience
It'll happen to you at some time or another. You'll get that urge, that feeling of insatiable desire to try it. Maybe you've got a really hot date that night. Maybe you've heard the stories and you just want to try it for yourself. Maybe you have some deep-seated death wish guiding your actions. Whatever the reason, you'll open it up, and you'll place the tiny thing in your mouth.
I am speaking, of course, of Listerine's breath-enhancing "Pocket Pak" strips. Or, as I like to call it, Tiny Tape of Terror. There is a considerable lack of literature available dealing with the experience, and so I have compiled a moment-by-moment analysis:
1. Incredulity. You've heard all the stories, read all the warnings, but when you open the minuscule container and remove one of the deadly little things, you cannot believe any of it. The tiny strip is thinner than Scotch tape, and no longer than the bridge of your nose. It's probably 1/100th of a Smoot at best. How could it be possible, even according to basic physical laws, for that to cause so much pain? Laughing haughtily, you open your mouth and place it on your tongue.
2. Extreme skepticism. There's nothing to it. Can't feel a thing. The strip has dissolved, but nothing accompanies its destruction. No suffering, no fear, nothing. It must be a big joke.
3. Hyper-irrationality. The first wave hits. Your initial reaction is to jump out of your skin to escape the overwhelming sensation of fiery hell that descends upon you. You may exhibit outward signs of self-destructive behavior at this time. You may claw and tear at your skin, causing significant tissue damage. You may open your mouth to scream, but no sound will come out. Fortunately this stage is short enough that you might avoid doing permanent damage, if you're lucky.
4. Hallucination, derangement. By now the sticky substance completely coats every centimeter of the inside of your mouth. Had you any rationality left to you, you'd wonder how so much goo could be produced by something the size of a postage stamp. But you do not think about this, it does not even occur to you. Rather, you begin to experience visual and auditory illusions. The specific details of this stage differ from person to person. Some have reported seeing their entire lives flash before their eyes. Others claim they've observed physical manifestations: demons climbing up nearby walls, the floating disembodied head of Col. Sanders informing them that everything they know is wrong, or something of that nature. The "lucky" few who pass out and miss this part of the experience talk of dreams so bizarre they sometimes cannot return to ordinary sleep for days.
5. Overwhelming desire to escape. Assuming you've maintained consciousness through the last two stages, you are attempting to form a plan to save yourself from certain destruction. What little remains of your sanity informs you that if you spit or attempt to remove the substance from your mouth with a vacuum or some other cleaning appliance, you'll have to go through this again from the beginning with a new strip. You do not want to go through this again from the beginning with a new strip. Saliva begins to build in your mouth, because you dare not swallow and risk suffering the feeling that you know would result if the goo were to travel down your throat. You may begin to drool or otherwise act in an impolite fashion at this time. It is imperative never to attempt a Pocket Pak strip experience while in the company of important people, for this reason. Do not place one in your mouth at a job interview. Keep them away from you during the moments just before you walk down the aisle at your wedding. The best place for a Pocket Pak is in your own bathroom, which is preferably constructed of lead, and make sure you have a functional plumbing system "just in case".
6. Steady relief. The goo that previously coated your mouth seems to be disintegrating, though you cannot be sure how, why, or where it has gone. You can move your tongue again, the paralysis has abated. You begin to make pleasurable cooing noises, and the rational center of your brain returns to ascendancy. You look around your environment and wonder how everything wound up scattered across the floor.
7. Pleasant amnesia. You do not remember much about the past minute of your life. You know you've just undergone something terrifying, but you cannot remember what it was. There's a small green container lying at your feet, and many tiny green strips of tape lying in jagged formation beneath it. You cannot recall what it is, or what any of it means, and you cannot reach down to touch it. When you try, you experience a terrible nauseous sensation. You wander off in a fugue state, possibly crashing into walls or otherwise injuring yourself. Still, no matter how badly you've stubbed your toe or crushed your arm, somehow you know it's not the worst pain you've ever felt. You are thankful.
I hope this little missive serves to warn potential Listerine sufferers of their fate, but I suspect they are likely to dismiss it as hogwash. Those of you who have been where I described, however, know the truth of my statements. May they be your guide when it comes to be your time. |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
